A-Z of Kerala

This is inspired from a similar piece of writing for Bengalis (Check out http://adventuresofatraveller.blogspot.com/2007/03/bengalis-z.html. Couldn’t trace the original source)

Aandy – A reference to all middle aged females in Kerala. All aandies love to talk about there sons and daughters and how well they are doing in school. ‘Jijumon got yaity six marks in Yingleesh’, ‘Jinnymol is a favourait of her teacher’ and so on. Warning - Conversations with aandies can result in low self esteem as you inevitably start comparing yourself with there stupendously gifted sons and daughters.

Beef – The meat that every Malayalee carnivore digs his teeth into. The saffron cadres in Kerala talk about enforcing cow worship over a plate of ‘puttu-beef’.

CP Yaii/CP Yem – The communist brothers in arms who have ensured that no one dares to start a company in Kerala. They organize state wide bandhs for crimes against humanity as grave as, asking the workers to work for more than 15 minutes (bourgeois conspiracy), increasing bus fares by 1 paisa, party leader tripping and falling over a stone, opposition leader combing his hair the wrong way etc.

Coconut oil – Pronounced as ‘Kokknut oyl’, it’s the secret behind the precisely parted Malayalee hair. Malayalees don’t believe in washing their hair with water. They use coconut oil instead.

DD4 – The erstwhile dedicated Malayalam Channel of Doordarshan’s. DD4 ensured that insomnia never reared its ugly head in Kerala. Many a good Malayalee has slept off without having dinner while watching a sitar recital by Payyannor Sivaraman Pillai or techniques on improving rice productivity using squirrel dung or an ancient black and white classic with Adam and Eve brushing their teeth in the background.

Elephant – pronounced as ‘Yellifent’. The animal Kerala is identified with, no festivity in Kerala is complete without an elephant killing its mahout. It is so big that it gives Shakeela a complex (Refer ‘Shakeela’).

Faratha fagya vidhaata – A pronounciation quirk in southern Kerala where ‘bha’ is pronounced as ‘Fa’.

‘Gelff’ – The karmabhoomi of Keralites. Gulf is to Malayalees what Canada is to Punjabis. Every mallu and his neighbour goes to the middle east at least once to earn his pot of dinars and riyals. And amazingly the atrocious working conditions and the obnoxious capitalist sheikh does not rile the Keralite as much as they do in Kerala. The ‘Gelff return’ is a highly respected entity in Kerala easily identifiable from their flower printed shirts, short Bermudas and goggles with the price tag hanging.

Hartal – Vernacular for ‘Strike’, it is a staple feature in every Keralite’s life. Every day is classified as a hartal or no hartal day. And political leaders have to give explanation to their high command why there is no hartal on a particular day. Generally a 12 hour celebration of absence, starting from 6 in the morning to 6 in the evening, school kids utilize it to play cricket, office going aandies watch the reruns of their favourite serials and office going ungles devour the last ‘Mathrubhoomi’ available.

Iranjalakuda – And other such places with tongue-defying names. Other examples – Parappanangadi, Kadappakada, Olakettiambalam, Pathanamthitta et al. The plight of the bus conductors who have to reel off these names in quick succession is heart rending. Many end up with their tongues twirled into a fisherman’s knot.

Johnymon and Jollymol – J is a regular supplier of the typical Malayalee name. The names of people unlike the names of places are short and uncomplicated. Sample – Jijo, Jiju, Jiji, Joju, Joji, Jomy, Jolly etc. They are not too narrow minded about having a meaning to their names. Most of the names are easy on the tongue and grating to the ears.

Kitex lungi – The 3 yard piece of cloth used by Malayalee men to cover their modesty. A sartorial miracle, scientific research is yet to uncover the secret of how it manages to stay in place. They can do absolutely anything in their lungis, starting from playing football to driving bikes without the knot loosening. Warning to imitators – The stunts are performed by experts and can result in loss of face.


Lockout – The result of prolonged hartals by trade unions owned by political parties (Refer ‘Hartal’ and ‘CPYaii/CPYem’ in conjunction).

Mohan lal/Mammootty – The two big superstars in Malayalam film industry. Every 2nd movie stars one of them, dancing with girls 1/47th their age and 1/54th their size. If you feel that someone is trying to kill a snake with his leg in any of those Malayalam movie channels with the accompaniment of music, watch a little more carefully. It may be Mammooty dancing. Mohan Lal has become so horizontally challenged with age that now, special cameras are being invented to keep him in a single frame.

Nurse (pronounced ‘Nezhs’, refer ‘Zh’ sound) – It’s the dream of every Malayalee parent to get their daughter into a ‘Nezhsing cozhs’. As a result almost every hospital in India use the services of the Malayalee nurse extensively.

Onam – The main festival of Kerala celebrated in remembrance of the King Mahabali. Onam is the only time when cows feel safe in Kerala as the food is primarily vegetarian (called ‘sadya’). All non resident Malayalees converge to Kerala during this time, feel sufficiently nostalgic and go back to earn more money.

Parotta/Borotta – A ‘roti’ like preparation had best with beef. Prepared using gallons of oil, the regular porotta eater keeps Eno as a constant companion. A porotta gone wrong is used in the gym in place of a bullworker.

Qatar/Quwait – Countries in the middle east. Popular destinations for the Gulf hungry Malayalees. Most families have at least one appam earner here. Refer ‘Gelff’

RSS – The sworn political enemy of CPI/CPM. It does not have anything by the way of seats in Kerala. But still has a place in the popular imagination. Reason being its ongoing cadre fight with Communists. All newspapers have a dedicated scorecard column everyday (“RSS 3- CPM 1”) which tell how many killed how many of whom, and predictions by experts for the next day. Favourite playground being the district of Cannanore.

Shakeela/Silk Smitha – Every Malayalee worth his chest hair has had dreams of a drenched Silk Smitha and nightmares of a drenched Shakeela during their teenage days, at least once. The resigned and reigning queens of the Malayalam C-grade movie industry respectively, both have there pouting pamphlets plastered across every wall in Kerala. Generously endowed by the creator, rumour has it that Tsunami was a result of Shakeela jumping into the Arabian sea for an underwater shoot.

Sreesanth – A recent addition to the Malayalee hall of fame, Sree is a psycho who also plays cricket competently. Known for making faces envied by Kathakali experts, he is reportedly being pursued by the film industries across India for zoo based roles. Potential Quote – “I am playing this bubbly monkey in YashRaj films latest, and no, Bruno and me are just friends”

Toddy – The forbidden drink, it’s the beer of the masses. The Malayalee labourer after a hard day’s work needs a little bit of toddy to energise his system into doing productive activities like beating his wife, shouting at his neighbour, jumping into the well etc.

Ungle – The silent and pummeled into submission, husbands of aandys (Refer ‘Aandy’). They open their mouths only to yawn and eat.

Vanitha – The women’s magazine of Kerala. It was the primary source of entertainment for housewives before television channels replaced them. Widely ‘seen’ by men as well.

Wogay – Malayalam for Ok. Not to be confused with Karan Johar.

‘Xam – (The dangers of such an xercise. You can never find enough xamples starting with X). Pronounced ‘Eksaam’. The battlefield where Malayalee parents pit their wards against others. A lot of statistical and empirical evidence is gathered to prove that their son Deepu is an absolute nincompoop compared to Valsamma’s son Nebu in studies. Which may be the complete opposite of what is proclaimed to the world (Refer ‘Aandy).There is only one truth in this world, which is the Final term report card.

Yell KG/ Yu KG – The stepping stones where the budding Omanakuttans and blossoming Babykuttys are prepared to face the world. All Mallu kids are supposed to go to these temple of education to learn ‘A for Yapple’, ‘B for Boll’, C for ‘Kyatt’ etc.

Zh sound – The ‘Zh’ sound which is typical to Malayalam and tamil with few equivalents in other languages. It adds a few more layers of complication to the names of places (Refer ‘Irinjalakuda’). Sample – Kazhakuttom, Ambalapuzha, Kozhikode etc