Coochikoosutra - The fine art of Cochikooing

(The author does not have any credentials for the particular piece. So before accusations start flying back and forth, let it be put on record that his work experience in this field tends towards zero. However, he has the precious objectivity and insight that only the third party’s roving eyes (and ears) can afford. So here goes.)

Coochikooing is an art and a science. There is no particular reason why I say so. But I had to say something intelligent to begin the article. This article is a set of guidelines for all those young men and women who want to coochikoo efficiently but dont know whom to ask. It is also for all those losers who are yet to find a gf/bf so that when the time comes they are armed with the divine knowledge.
(A warning for the sick – All those people who Ctrl+f on the article for ‘sex’ will be disappointed. This article explores only the stage when love is expressed verbally. Anything beyond, is out of scope. So, well, you may like to get down at this station. THANKS!)

Pre coochikoo preparations -
These guidelines are especially applicable for voice based mobile coochikooing. Nothing strains your mental and physical faculties like a full blown mobile coochikoo. You may be required to walk during the period (Thigh and back muscles) with a mobile held to the ear (shoulder,biceps,triceps, ear, earlobe) yapping continuously (jaw, teeth etc). A 15 minute jog followed by 3 sets of bis and tris each should be a good prep. Sri Sri Ravishankar also insists on the values of Pranayam and Sudarshan kriya for quality coochikooing.
For the mental aspect, there is a lot of intellectual depth required to generate gibberish for 6-8 hours. Read a lot. Mills and Boons is the Bible of Six Sigma Coochikooing. Keep 10 of them handy and revise the chapters on a monthly basis. Watch Vidya Balan-Madhavan Airtel ads, memorize the dialogues and improvise on them when required. Some old Indian scriptures are also very useful but not at this stage.
Important Note - All this is good, but as Geoffrey Boycott will tell you, there is ‘noothing like maatch praacteece’. 15 minutes before the potential coochikoo start time call up a friend and get your voice, jaw position, footwork and follow through right. So by the time the real thing starts, it should be second nature to you.

During the coochikoo –

Every coochikoo worth its heart shaped cake starts off with a 2 syllable user friendly name. Give one to your opposite. Names like Schweetu, Schweetie, Kittu, Chomu… you get the point. These names are to be used only during the c’koo. It’s a signal that all is well with the world and the dam stopping the flood of sweet nothings can be opened for mutual consumption.
Voice is of utmost importance. The tone has to be decidedly different (from the one you use for e.g. with your parents), or the better half may take offence thinking that you don’t love her enough. If whisper to a scream is a scale use a voice which lies at 1/6th of a distance from the whisper. A dash of huskiness to that range can do wonders. If it’s a face to face c’koo, 1/10th of the scale would also do as you would be essentially whispering the tripe into the better half’s ears. Needless to say, don’t use that tone with your parents.

Time can be anything from 6-8 hours during weekdays and 10- 24 hours during weekends. Sounds difficult, but the veteran coochikooers will tell you they don’t know how time flies by. If push turns to shove, you always have the office dormitory.

Content is as always the king. At the end of the day you are there to yap and what you yap is what makes or breaks the c’koo. Whenever you feel that the conversation is veering dangerously into the territory of being anything remotely intelligent, take control of the steering and drive back into talking about plucking stars from the sky and comparing flowers with the contours of your sweetheart’s eyelashes. The voice based mobile coochikoo is NOT a platform to discuss economic recession.

Post coochikoo warmdowns

As with after any intense activity, it is extremely important that you relax your muscles post coochikoo. Switch off your mobile before your gf feels like calling you again, run 2 rounds around your flat, come back, lie down in shavaasan position and take 5 deep breaths. Stretch your legs, stretch your back, stretch your jaw, stretch your ears using your indexfinger and thumb, drink a glass of water and put your mobile back into charging. A good long sleep is advisable to make sure that the blood circulation is maintained throughout the body.

And Finally

Coochikooing is a gift of God. But inappropriate coochikooing can result in all kinds of medical, emotional and physical complications. So make sure that you do it right and feel its afterglow forever.

Signing off.

P.S –
HAVING TROUBLE TALKING TO YOUR GF!
CANT FIND THE RIGHT MOBILE FOR YOUR DAILY DOSE!
NOT SURE WHAT COOCHIKOO NAME TO KEEP FOR YOUR GF!
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Don’t ask me I have got better work to do.