Angrejji na samjhe hai babuji

Unfortunately English movies dont have English subtitles. That rules one billionth of the Indian population atleast (that’s me) out of the Hollywood movies viewership numbers. I talk Englis, I walk Englis, I write Englis but unfortunately I don’t understand an Englis movie. I don’t get what those actors mumble. And the Chinese (or is it Korean) subtitles at the bottom are slightly difficult to comprehend.

I remember watching ‘Sixth Sense’ in a movie hall within 10 days of joining my engg college. I went with a few engineering friends all excited. Excited because that was the first English movie I would have been watching in a hall. Also since it was made by Manoj Night Shyamalan – the Night in Shining armour for Mallus at that time.

First half an hour –

Bruce Willis – …mumbling inaudibly…

Kid – ….Replies to the mumbling, inaudibly…

I am at my seat trying to keep the bugs feasting on my backside away. True to his name the director has made a movie with enough darkness to fuse a bulb. At about 15 minutes from the start when nothing much seems to be happening on the screen I decide I will concentrate. I understand the first 2 or 3 words and lose it midway. I console myself by saying that I will get the context some time when the movie is into its business end. At least that’s what happens in Hindi movies. You can watch a movie 2 seconds before the end and you can guess what the story was all about.

Next half an hour

Bruce Willis – …mumbling inaudibly…

Kid – ….Replies to the mumbling, inaudibly…

The bugs have found a feistier back side. I still am trying to make sense of whats going on in the vain hope that I will get it some time. I am making assumptions about the story. ‘That fellow must be eyeing the kid’s mom. So befriending him’, ‘maybe the kid is dyslexic and the fellow is helping him out’ (Yeah baby, TZP has not given proper reference for the storyline) and so on. Meanwhile there is the kid’s mom for our eyes.

Next 45 minutes

Bruce Willis – …mumbling inaudibly…

Kid – ….Replies to the mumbling, inaudibly…

However, to his credit the director made this part interesting by introducing kid ghosts and violent camera movements. Overall activity levels in the movie has increased. I have a feeling that the lamp is going to light any time, and I would be able to piece together everything that has happened and voila! I would be delighted by the ending. And go back to the hostel bragging to my hostelmates about seeing the greatest masterpieces of all time. I visualize myself telling everyone ‘No wonder it is nominated for the Oscars’. Meanwhile, I can hear my neighbour snoring and there is nothing inaudible about that.

Next half an hour

Khatam, Finnis, Khallas, Poi pochhe. Yes folks, it doesn’t have another half an hour. Out of nowhere the credit starts rolling. Others in the hall are jerking themselves out of their siestas. I am dumbstruck. 25 INR of my dad’s hard earned money gone (Baba log and baby log,you can rearrange the jaws to proper position. Indeed there was a time in independent India's history when movie tickets costed only 25 bucks). Add to it 3 Rs of transportation charges. I ask everyone around desperately to tell me the story. No one has much of a clue. Some tell me that Bruce Willis was a ghost. GHOST. GHOST!!!The ‘ghost’ I knew off walked in white wardrobes, sang beautiful songs and laughed hysterically. Anyway the movie is done and dusted with and I have that empty feeling in the wallet. I promise myself that I wont have lime soda for a month to compensate for the expensive misadventure.

I have not watched an English movie without English subtitles completely after that. Ironically I watched a Spanish movie fully once as there were English subtitles in it. I love good cinema, even if in Spanish. Salma Hayek is just incidental to it.