Horded!!!

There are people who can get into a gathering and turn into the life and soul of the party in a matter of minutes. Unfortunately, I play the corpse better.

I as a matter of principle never go into a party unless there is something for ‘paapi pate’ because there is nothing else of interest. If its a family gathering you will always be confronted by acquaintances who would die of asphyxiation if they don’t know where you are working and what is your ‘in hand’.

However, the subspecies that I dread is the nosey aunty brought on for introduction by my mother. She would be a middle aged, normal height, normal weighing lady and will answer to any of the following names – Jaisamma, Mariakutty, Jincymol etc. They follow the standard template of introduction –

Nosey relative – Joli ondo? (Do u have a job)

You (with a genuine plastic smile) – Yes

Nosey relative – In software?

You – yes

Nosey relative – In Bangalore?

You – Yes

Nosey relative – Which Company?

You – Yes… Er Infosys

Nosey relative – What salary?….

If only advanced technology could get me a robot which looks like me and could give these answers at predesignated intervals

By this time you would be holding on to the nearest pillar for support and yearningly looking at the masala dosa. Of course my mom would intervene by this time to ask about how Tijo is doing in his BCA course and I will slither out to the nearest soup serving stall.

The nosey aunty grows fangs and becomes infinitely more dangerous when she becomes a part of “The Horde”. The Horde, of course is a group of 5-10 NA’s and they move in groups of not less than 5. They can be found in the wild reaches of any party laughing merrily looking for the next guy to interview.

Mrs Bincymol (The Horde leader) – You have become darker from the last time I saw you.

You – (Plastic smile)

Mrs Kuttapan (The Horde opposition leader) – I don’t think so. I saw him last time when Nibu was in 8^th and he was fairer.

You – (Plastic smile)

Mrs Mary kutty – And you have put on a little weight. That’s why may be you are fairer

You – (Plastic smile)

This statement of course puts a new twist to the conservation, with ‘the Horde’ divided into 2 camps ‘The believers’(of the theory) and “Non Believers’. Through mutual agreements and disagreements they do finally arrive at a consensus on my weight and complexion. By that time of course I would be at the nearest pani puri stall having my mouthful.

There are different ways of avoiding the horde.

1.)Stay away from your mom during the entire period of the gathering. All mothers how much ever they love you do have a sadistic streak which they exhibit by inflicting the NA’s on us.

2.)If there is a group of more than 5 NA’s don’t go anywhere near them within a radius of 10 metres. If Your favourite aloo bhujji stall is near them ignore it for the next 5-10 minutes and attack them only when “the Horde’ has moved onto a safe distance. The aloo bhujjis can wait, ‘the Horde’ cant.

3.)Don’t go to the party at all. Sometimes the food is just not worth the trouble.

“Minding our own business is a lost art” –

M. K. Gandhi (Would have said it had he hung on for 60 more years)